Responsibility

This one's been on my mind for a while, and I am just now getting around to writing about it, so sorry for the delay or to dig up past horrors.

Like everyone else I was horrified to hear about the heinous tragedy that took place at Sandy Hook Elementary a few months ago. It was truly unimaginable to think that at this point in time, someone could do something so evil and horrific to the most innocent and vulnerable people around us. There's been a lot of political debate since on gun control and whether or not certain measures should be taken to protect our citizens, and I'm not going to get into all of that here- the words I have will not be enough to change anyone's mind right now. What I do have to propose is a challenge on responsibility. Not for what is happening now or what has happened, but what is to come.

No surprise, I'm a musical theatre fan and a bit of a nerd. Most of the music I listen to is cast recordings, and after the Sandy Hook event, I was listening to my iPod on shuffle, and a song from Children of Eden came on.  Quick recap of the musical- it's a retelling of the story of Genesis from The Garden of Eden to the story of Noah and The Flood. The final song is called, "In the Beginning," and is sung as Noah and his family emerge from the ark to a new, fresh world that is now theirs to prepare, protect, and prosper.

This step is one again our first
We set our feet upon a virgin land
We hold the promise of the earth
In our hands...
No flood from heaven comes again
No deluge will destroy and purify
We hold the fate of man and men
In our hands...
 
Now at this dawn so green and glad
We pray that we may long remember
How lovely was the world we had
In the beginning...

As the song continues, they realize that from now on, they are fully responsible for the future that awaits them.

Of all the gifts we have received
One is most precious and most terrible
The will of each of us is free
It's in our hands

And if one day we hear a voice
If he shouold speak again, our silent father
All he will tell us is the choice
Is in our hands

Our hands can choose to drop the knife
Our hearts can choose to stop the hating
For ev'ry moment of our life
Is the beginning...

Things don't have to stay the way that they are or have been. It is up to us to make the changes we wish to see in the world and the power is within us. It can happen at any point we choose, because each moment is a chance to change the future.

There is no journey gone so far
So far we cannot stop and change direction
No doom is written in the stars
  It's in our hands... 

The final part of the song is a plea to those who will come after and be left with the legacy left behind.

We cannot know what wil occur
Just make the journey worth the taking
And pray we're wiser than we were
In the beginning
It's the beginning
Now we begin...

Children of Eden
Grant us your pardon
All that we leave to you
is the unknown

Children of Eden
Seek for your garden
You and your children to come
Some day to come home
 

My challenge to myself is to look at every choice I make and make sure that whatever I do is something I can be proud of in the future and will leave a legacy of hope and compassion to those who will live in this world after me. We are all on this crazy journey together, and we each have to stand up and do our part to make sure that we are not only fixing the mistakes of our past but living in the present to provide for the future.

Gifts

I was in my car the other day and had my iPod on shuffle, and "What I Did for Love" from A Chorus Line came on. Normally, I would quickly reach down and hit the Next arrow to jump to a different song, but for some reason, I decided to let it play on through this time. Maybe I was in an emotional mood and didn't realize it, but nonetheless, the song started, and I actually tuned in.

Now, I realize some of you might read this and have no idea what I'm talking about, so a brief recap for you: A Chorus Line is a musical (it is ME we're talking about, right?) about a group of dancers auditioning for a few remaining slots in a Broadway chorus. Totally unlike any other audition, the director actually talks to the auditionees about their personal lives and backgrounds which leads to songs about growing up, dreams, and disappointments. At a critical moment in the audition, one of the dancers is horribly injured, and the others watch as he is carried out to the hospital, knowing that he may never dance again. The director asks, "If today were the day you had to stop dancing, how would you feel?" This leads into the aforementioned song.

I know that seems a little melodramatic and highly romanticized, but as a performer, it is a very real moment, especially when watching the show live. This, however, doesn't necessarily mean I want to listen to this song on a daily basis. "Kiss today goodbye, the sweetness and the sorrow. Wish me luck, the same to you..."

I have heard this song too many times to count, and it's never really affected me other than the one time I saw the show live, but for some reason, in my car, the second stanza hit me really hard:

Look, my eyes are dry,

the gift was ours to borrow,

it's as if we always knew...

And I won't forget what I did for love

Maybe it's because it's the beginning of audition season again, and I'm focused on that mindset, but when I heard that line, my breath caught and I was a little taken aback. I realized in that moment how fleeting and temporary things actually can be and how I have seemed to let moments fly by while I wait for the next opportunity to come along.

I have been very blessed to have been able to stay busy doing what I love for the past three years. Since moving back to Jackson after graduating in 2010, I have been involved with 20 different productions (I know. I'm crazy). There have been so many great highs, but also some very deep lows during that time. I have doubted my abilities, my talent, and my decisions so many times and have allowed myself to waste so much time wondering, "What if?" 

Well, now I'm tired of asking, "What if?" I have been given this gift- this love of creating theatre, of sharing life and art with others, and the most amazing circle of friends imaginable, and I refuse to allow myself to let each and every precious moment I have on that stage or with those people slip by unnoticed. If today were the last day I ever had the chance to do what I love, I want to know that I soaked in every drop of knowledge and inspiration from everything around me and will carry it in the very core and fiber of my being for the rest of my life. 

Love, love is never gone

As we travel on, love's what we'll remember

Kiss today goodbye, and point me toward tomorrow

We did what we had to do

Won't forget, can't regret what I did for love

I will take this gift with graciousness and humility, and I hope that when the time comes, I will be able to pass it on to someone who needs it and will cherish it as much as I have.

Family

This time of the year is insane. In around a forty day span, we celebrate a slew of holidays (depending on religious/cultural/ sanity backgrounds) and ring in a new year with the promise and hope of a better tomorrow. For most of us, this means that we will be spending a great deal of time with family over the next few weeks. In my family alone, we had Thanksgiving celebrations last week, will have Christmas get-togethers, then we will travel 9 hours to go to a cousin's wedding. Whole lotta family, not a lotta time.

Luckily, my family is pretty awesome, so it's not a burden at all. My dad's side of the family is full of wannabe (and should be) comedians. I can't remember the last time we were all together that we weren't in stitches from a story my dad or his siblings told (most of the time, at their spouse's expense). Even when we are going through a dark time or rough patch, just being in the room with them makes things seem warmer and a little easier to make it through. It's a pretty large group when we are all together. I have on that side of the family alone, 2 uncles, 3 aunts, 8 cousins (some by marriage), 3 baby second cousins (soon to be four), and a grandmother. Not including my nuclear family (Mom, Dad, Sis, and Me). The Kelly household is full (and I mean FULL) of fun and love.

My mom's side of the family offers a much quieter, yet just as warm and loving atmosphere. My two uncles and aunts are so kind and wise. My two older cousins and their NINE CHILDREN (yeah...they're both in their early thirties...go girls) live farther away, so getting to see them is always so sweet and fun. I mean, nine kids- it's not going to ever be boring. My two younger cousins and their step sisters (who are just as much family as anyone else)  live even farther away, so it's always really special when we are together. The visits are more spread out, but we still make the most of our time together. There's a whole lot of love there that you can instantly feel when you walk in the room. This is the group getting together for the wedding, and it is sure to be a fantastic weekend.

Since it is the holiday season, and I'm a huge fan of Christmas music, I immediately whipped out the Christmas playlists as soon as lunch was done on Thanksgiving Day and got into the holiday swing. One of my favorite CD's to listen to is the soundtrack to A Christmas Carol starring Kelsey Grammer as Scrooge. It's a musical (duh) that was created by some of my favorite composers and lyricists, and it really sets the tone for me of what this season is really about. There's one song called "Christmas Together" that causes me to weep every time I hear it. As I was driving (read- sobbing) down the highway the other day, one verse of the song really jumped out at me.

Gather and sing of this glorious thing

Known as Christmas together,

Families created by friendship

as well as by birth,

Yeah, my family is pretty awesome, but that doesn't just mean my biological family. I have some of the most amazingly talented, loving, compassionate, insane people surrounding me, and I am so grateful for that. I didn't jump on the whole "30 days of thanks" facebook post bandwagon, but I can pretty much guarantee that it would have been dominated by these people in my life.

It seems like so many people these days are so concerned with themselves- how do I make the most of myself? How do I get as far as I can? What can I do to be greater? That's not what it's about. I truly believe that our main purpose in life is to enhance and empower the lives of those around us and to all grow together. Looking back on the past year, I truly feel that I have surrounded myself with a group of like-minded folk who truly make my life amazing. THAT is what I am thankful for: my family.

Phone Calls

When you leave your house in the morning, I would imagine you do the triple spot check: Keys, wallet/purse, and CELL PHONE- that lovely little piece of technology we have grown to love/hate/love and rely on for all of our information needs. The cell phone is arguably the one piece of technology that has literally revolutionized the way we communicate with other people. So, let's discuss a little thing known as phone etiquette, shall we?

At my current job, I spend a good amount of time on the phone with clients scheduling appointments, answering questions, and other basic customer service type duties. Therefore, I am privy to many different habits and behaviors people have begun to adopt as "acceptable" while on a phone call. Here are my Top 5 Rules for Appropriate Phone Usage:

1. Volume Controls Are Your Friend:
There is a lovely little button (or set of buttons depending on your device) that will allow you to adjust the volume coming out of your headset and into your ear. Use it. Please. If you can't hear me, SCREAMING INTO THE MICROPHONE WILL NOT HELP EITHER OF US. In turn, I will be turning my volume control all the way down after dropping the phone in sheer and utter terror and pain from my ear drum bursting inside my ear cavity. This will cause us to miss out on important details, such as, "what was the purpose of this call" or "when was that deadline again"?

2. Explicit Language... Are You $#**!$ Kidding Me?:
As human beings we sometime reach a point where our vocabulary is exhausted of "civility" and "consideration" and we are forced to reach into the depths of our black souls to berate another individual with a slew of four letter words (or fourteen...people get creative, y'all). This probably isn't the best form of communication over the telephone. Firstly, it is a cowardly move- if you can't say it to my face, don't say it at all. Secondly, your story will end up being retold and ridiculed at dinner parties, bars, or even blogs... like this one :). Take the following interaction, for example:

Me: Good morning! This is Neill with ______. I was calling to....
Crazy Lady on the Phone: AVA! AVA! NO! GET OVER HERE! I'm sorry, I'm in a convenience store in another state and my four year old is...AVA! AVA! GO*****IT! What do you want?!
Me: Have a nice day! *click*

Yes, you read that right. May the Almighty bring down his wrath upon beautiful 4 year old Ava and the poor unfortunate phone operator who happened to call with good news at the wrong time. Example 2:

Me: Well, the $25 you paid initially was a fee to have our services....
Crazier Lady: That is BULL****! You are F****** scamming me, and I WILL be calling the Better Business Bureau to report your sorry A**.
Me: Well, ma'am that is certainly your right. Have a nice day. *click*

I wish I was making this up.

3. Know the Purpose of Your Call:
Thanks to the invention of voicemail, we do not have to take every call immediately as it comes through in order to retrieve vital information. Therefore, if a voicemail is left, common courtesy tells you that it is wise to listen before returning the call. However, when you DO return the call, remember that you are in control of the conversation. Observe:

*Phone Rings*
Me: Oh, this is someone I called earlier and left that lovely voicemail for. I'm so glad they got the message. *answers phone* Good morning, this is Neill, how can I help you?
Confused Teenager: Um. Hey. Um. Can I call you later?
Confused Me: Yes?...
Confused Teenager:.... .... *click*

Let us note that there was no commotion or disturbance that necessitated the abandonment of this call.

4. Remember That You Are Speaking to a Person, Not Big Business Incarnate:
Whether this is a business or personal call, remember that the person you are speaking to is, in fact, a person. They do not represent or inhabit your problem or concern. Do not take your aggression out on them, especially when it is YOUR fault the problem even exists.

Angry Father: This is ridiculous! You're telling me the only time I can come in before the deadline is on a Wednesday afternoon between 2 and 4? I work! Why do you not have schedules that are easier for me?

How inconsiderate of me to not have fifteen different options for you to choose from, and to overwork my employees who already work a 10 hour plus day, since you have decided to wait until 4 days before the deadline to have this done, when your initial appointment was set up by us 6 MONTHS AGO. Most of the time, it is necessary to refer to Rule 2 in this situation.

5. Make Sure You Hang Up:
Yes, I can still hear you griping and complaining about the inconvenience you are suffering for being so lazy in planning things after you THOUGHT the conversation ended or the voicemail shut off (yes, I will be out of the office for lunch for an hour- just like you. Rule 4. A person has to eat.). Don't make yourself subject to ridicule or discussion for saying things you thought no one was hearing. Oh, and by the way, don't leave your name either. It makes it all the more fun for me to complicate the process even more!

***NOTE: Should you write in to Dear Abby or Miss Manners, they may not offer the same advice. In fact they would probably condemn my sarcasm and frustrated (not bitter) tones. But, if you are reading this, you are probably in my group of friends who could care less what Abby or Manners has to say, so laugh on!***

Angels

So, the past few months of my life have been pretty much some of the most trying and emotionally exhausting of my life, and it seems like the last 10 days have been the culmination of some sickeningly cruel practical joke where the punch line never really makes an appearance. I'm going to be honest; this was probably the lowest I have felt in my entire life. When it rains, it really does seem to pour, and the domino effect is totally true. Okay, enough cliches. The bottom line is from financial trouble, to career blocks, to self worth, it has been constant disappointment after disappointment. The final blow hit this past weekend when I found out that the one person I had been able to look to for an escape and make me happy didn't quite feel the same about me, and betrayed the relationship we had in a way that is not really salvageable. It really felt like the floor had fallen out beneath me, and that I didn't really have any leg to stand on.

 There is a silver lining, though- when you are down looking at how far you've fallen, you get to look back and see just where you were and see everything and everyone that is still there, ready to pull you back. This is how I know that angels exist. They have to. There is no other way to describe the people who have literally brought my spirit and joy back to life after this hellish weekend.  I was talking with one of these people a few days ago, and we were jokingly naming the top 5 shoulder angels we would have. Oh, the foreshadowing that took place.

I am so grateful to the five angels who showed up and brought back my smile: Beth, Amy, Scott, Jessica, and Sharon.

Beth has become my big sister and one of the dearest people in my life. With her kindness, wisdom, and open invitation to play with her dogs or have a glass of wine, she has become a confidante in ways I never expected. She sees into my soul and knows just what to say to comfort me while at the same time making me realize that I am in control of the way I respond and can turn things around for myself. She cares so deeply for the people in her life, and will not let anyone hurt a friend of hers.

Amy has been such a dear friend to me since we began our journey together a few years ago. From our lunch dates to her amazing hugs and threats of physical violence to anyone who harms a friend of hers, she is definitely someone I am so glad to have on my side. If you cross me, you cross Amy, too, and that is not something you want to do.

Scott is one of those people who kind of sneaks up on you, and before you realize it, there is a bond stronger than anything you could have imagined. We grew very close last year, and when he left after his internship, it was tough for me to say goodbye. Having him back in town has been amazing, because we have grown even closer over these past five weeks. He's also that kind of friend that makes you feel like crap, because he is such a good person. We have laughed so much and learned so much together, and I am forever grateful.

Jessica is one of those beautiful people who is just a joy to be around. She makes the room so much brighter just by being in it. She also is very intuitive and knows when a mask is hiding the real person. Her encouraging words come at just the right time, and she can make a FINE cupcake/brownie/anything filled with sugar and love- just like her. The amount of care and concern she has is so immensely heartwarming, and I am so grateful to be around her every chance I get.

Sharon is walking sunshine. I can't stay angry or upset when I am around her. She takes in every ounce of darkness and turns it into light and warmth. When things are falling apart, She is the first person I call, and she is the first person to remind me of what makes me who I am. Her spirit is beautiful, and I love her so much.

These five people are my angels. I could not have gotten through this time without them, and I am forever in their debt for reminding me who I am and what I have to be thankful for.