Phone Calls

When you leave your house in the morning, I would imagine you do the triple spot check: Keys, wallet/purse, and CELL PHONE- that lovely little piece of technology we have grown to love/hate/love and rely on for all of our information needs. The cell phone is arguably the one piece of technology that has literally revolutionized the way we communicate with other people. So, let's discuss a little thing known as phone etiquette, shall we?

At my current job, I spend a good amount of time on the phone with clients scheduling appointments, answering questions, and other basic customer service type duties. Therefore, I am privy to many different habits and behaviors people have begun to adopt as "acceptable" while on a phone call. Here are my Top 5 Rules for Appropriate Phone Usage:

1. Volume Controls Are Your Friend:
There is a lovely little button (or set of buttons depending on your device) that will allow you to adjust the volume coming out of your headset and into your ear. Use it. Please. If you can't hear me, SCREAMING INTO THE MICROPHONE WILL NOT HELP EITHER OF US. In turn, I will be turning my volume control all the way down after dropping the phone in sheer and utter terror and pain from my ear drum bursting inside my ear cavity. This will cause us to miss out on important details, such as, "what was the purpose of this call" or "when was that deadline again"?

2. Explicit Language... Are You $#**!$ Kidding Me?:
As human beings we sometime reach a point where our vocabulary is exhausted of "civility" and "consideration" and we are forced to reach into the depths of our black souls to berate another individual with a slew of four letter words (or fourteen...people get creative, y'all). This probably isn't the best form of communication over the telephone. Firstly, it is a cowardly move- if you can't say it to my face, don't say it at all. Secondly, your story will end up being retold and ridiculed at dinner parties, bars, or even blogs... like this one :). Take the following interaction, for example:

Me: Good morning! This is Neill with ______. I was calling to....
Crazy Lady on the Phone: AVA! AVA! NO! GET OVER HERE! I'm sorry, I'm in a convenience store in another state and my four year old is...AVA! AVA! GO*****IT! What do you want?!
Me: Have a nice day! *click*

Yes, you read that right. May the Almighty bring down his wrath upon beautiful 4 year old Ava and the poor unfortunate phone operator who happened to call with good news at the wrong time. Example 2:

Me: Well, the $25 you paid initially was a fee to have our services....
Crazier Lady: That is BULL****! You are F****** scamming me, and I WILL be calling the Better Business Bureau to report your sorry A**.
Me: Well, ma'am that is certainly your right. Have a nice day. *click*

I wish I was making this up.

3. Know the Purpose of Your Call:
Thanks to the invention of voicemail, we do not have to take every call immediately as it comes through in order to retrieve vital information. Therefore, if a voicemail is left, common courtesy tells you that it is wise to listen before returning the call. However, when you DO return the call, remember that you are in control of the conversation. Observe:

*Phone Rings*
Me: Oh, this is someone I called earlier and left that lovely voicemail for. I'm so glad they got the message. *answers phone* Good morning, this is Neill, how can I help you?
Confused Teenager: Um. Hey. Um. Can I call you later?
Confused Me: Yes?...
Confused Teenager:.... .... *click*

Let us note that there was no commotion or disturbance that necessitated the abandonment of this call.

4. Remember That You Are Speaking to a Person, Not Big Business Incarnate:
Whether this is a business or personal call, remember that the person you are speaking to is, in fact, a person. They do not represent or inhabit your problem or concern. Do not take your aggression out on them, especially when it is YOUR fault the problem even exists.

Angry Father: This is ridiculous! You're telling me the only time I can come in before the deadline is on a Wednesday afternoon between 2 and 4? I work! Why do you not have schedules that are easier for me?

How inconsiderate of me to not have fifteen different options for you to choose from, and to overwork my employees who already work a 10 hour plus day, since you have decided to wait until 4 days before the deadline to have this done, when your initial appointment was set up by us 6 MONTHS AGO. Most of the time, it is necessary to refer to Rule 2 in this situation.

5. Make Sure You Hang Up:
Yes, I can still hear you griping and complaining about the inconvenience you are suffering for being so lazy in planning things after you THOUGHT the conversation ended or the voicemail shut off (yes, I will be out of the office for lunch for an hour- just like you. Rule 4. A person has to eat.). Don't make yourself subject to ridicule or discussion for saying things you thought no one was hearing. Oh, and by the way, don't leave your name either. It makes it all the more fun for me to complicate the process even more!

***NOTE: Should you write in to Dear Abby or Miss Manners, they may not offer the same advice. In fact they would probably condemn my sarcasm and frustrated (not bitter) tones. But, if you are reading this, you are probably in my group of friends who could care less what Abby or Manners has to say, so laugh on!***